My eldest has a severe food allergy and I thought I could keep her safe by controlling every aspect of our lives. It backfired.

• My eldest had a severe food reaction that sent us to the ER when she was 5 months old.
• I wanted to avoid repeating that traumatic experience so I took control of all aspects of our lives.
• I thought if I could keep my child safe then I was a good mother. My helicopter parenting backfired.

I’ve been a parent for almost 12 years. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, parenting is the ultimate reminder that you cannot control much in life. I learned this lesson the hard way.

After a traumatic birth and emergency C-section, my first child was born with a severe food allergy to dairy. Of course, I didn’t know this right away.

It became clear one night after a frantic trip to the Emergency Room with a 5-month-old baby. I spent months after that ER visit trying to control every aspect of our lives to protect us from experiencing another reaction.

Surprisingly, my attempts worked. We did not have another reaction for many years. Ergo, I reasoned that if I could control all aspects of our lives as well, then we would be safe.

I had an ingrained belief that if I could keep my child safe, then I was a good mother. I really wanted to be a good mother.

Controlling our lives wasn’t a winning strategy

I never wanted my child to feel like she wasn’t normal or wasn’t enough. So, I inadvertently became a helicopter parent.

I swayed her friend choices to people who would respect our limitations. I swayed our outings to places where I felt comfortable and knew we would be protected, not necessarily the places where we would have new experiences or grow.

I was so afraid of what my life would be like if something really bad happened that I kept us from living a full life. This translated to my other child, who became completely dependent on me.

At some point, I knew they would need to be able to exist independently; I just wasn’t sure how to let go. I didn’t know how to hold the uncertainty of their independence, so I avoided allowing it.

I eventually ended up divorced, out of touch with myself as a person and as a parent, and with two very small children depending on me to keep them safe and show them the way.

Emotionally exhausted, post-divorce, I just couldn’t do it anymore. So, I did what parents often do. I committed to figuring it out.

I can’t control much, but I can still be a good mother

I did a lot of deep reflection during the COVID-19 pandemic and learned to tune back into myself.

I sought therapy to challenge why I was so afraid and learned ways to overcome those fears.

I practiced being alone, going to new places, and trying new things like hiking and paddleboarding. Then, I shared those experiences with my kids.

After I learned to love and be myself again, I started to see my children for who they were instead of what I thought they should be.

I believe them when they tell me what they think, want, and dislike. I don’t try to dissuade them anymore.

I’ve spent most of the last five years facing and working to overcome my fears. It’s been worth it to watch my kids blossom. They have friends, social lives, and favorite places to eat, and we’ve also traveled a bit.

Watching my eldest on the beach in Hawaii with a smile as big as the ocean is a moment I’ll always cherish.

Of course, over the years, my eldest has had more food allergy reactions. Each one is terrifying at the moment, but we’ve learned to grow from these experiences, like understanding to recognize which foods are safe and how to branch outside her comfort zone.

I cannot control much about life, at all, but I can figure out how to live and parent in a supportive way.